a rough week

Last week was really rough for me. I don't mean diet-wise, I was actually down 3.2 pounds to 157.8. I'm very excited to be back in the 150s!

I've been dealing with something else, much more personal and harder to write about. I've actually only really discussed this with a few people over the last few years - my husband, my mom and my doctor. I struggle with anxiety.

Almost 4 years ago I had my first panic attack. I remember it really well, I was at work and suddenly, out of the blue, I started to feel weird. My heart started racing, I was finding it hard to breathe, my arms were tingly and I felt nauseous. I remember thinking that I really thought I was dying. That I seriously felt like I could die. I had never felt like that before. I ended up leaving work and heading home and by the time I got home I felt much better, really kind of silly that I had had those thoughts.

A few weeks after that my grandmother died unexpectedly. It was really odd timing, but after that I had a few more panic attacks and finally realized what they were. I thought it was weird, but once I knew what it was, I wasn't so worried. I'm a very logical/analytical person and since I knew what was happening to me, I felt like I could handle it. I did pretty well for almost a year. I would still have those attacks, fairly regularly, but I dealt with it. I couldn't really determine what was causing them or if I had any 'triggers', but they only lasted a few minutes and then I would feel fine.

Eventually though, it caught up with me. I was out of town in New York for work and I had an attack that I just couldn't shake. It lasted for days and was just horrible. I almost went to the hospital because I thought I was truly sick. When I got home I knew that I had to do something. I went to see my doctor, who is also a friend of the family. I told him about my 'self-diagnosis' and after doing a few different tests to make sure I wasn't really suffering from something else, he prescribed the anti-depressant (and anti-anxiety) medication Lexapro. It helped really quickly, I literally stopped having attacks and just felt better in general. Over the next 2 and a half years, I took Lexapro and while I had a few panic attacks during that time, they were really infrequent.

I knew however that I didn't want to be on medication for the long term. It was easy to just keep taking it, because it was helping, but I wanted to be able to handle it on my own, as well as get rid of some of the side effects that I was feeling (mostly being really tired all the time). And most importantly, I wanted to be off the medication by the time I became pregnant (although from what I read there is no evidence that Lexapro is dangerous during pregnancy, and both my doctor and ob/gyn were okay with taking it - they actually say it could be worse for a baby to have anxiety during pregnancy). I did some research and gradually stopped taking the Lexapro (I did a step down approach, where I reduced how much I was taking until finally I stopped taking any).

I did well last fall. I had maybe 2 attacks, but overall felt good. I was eating well, exercising often and just felt really healthy in general. A few weeks ago, I seemed to start having a relapse. It's different than before. I haven't really had 'attacks', more like a generalized feeling of anxiety that just won't go away for more than a few hours. And it's not just that I feel nervous, it's really a feeling like something is really wrong, like I'm going to die, although I have no real physical symptoms (I do think I might have a sinus infection, I've had a headache and my sinuses feel stopped up, but that's the only thing spurring this feeling of doom). I have had a stressful few weeks at work, since I've been back from the half-marathon, but nothing really crazy. Nothing to explain this.

So, this last week has been really tough. I'm just trying to get by right now. I've made an appointment to see my doctor Wednesday and my plan is to ask him for a recommendation for a therapist. Medication is a last resort for me right now (although it's an option). My husband (who has been absolutely amazing about this) and I have done some research and it seems like the most promising ways to treat this are medication and/or therapy (particularly cognitive behavioral therapy). I have to do something, right now I'm just making it through the days. I'm a healthy woman with a wonderful life and I just want to enjoy it.

I didn't really plan on sharing this part of my life through this blog, but I feel like I need to get it out. I'm ready to take the next steps.

Week 3 BLBE Mini-Goals

1. Continue to track food and calories on blog.
2. Exercise 4 days.
3. Sign up for 2010 Disney half marathon.
4. Create Week 4 meal plan.

Week 3, Day 2

Breakfast: coffee w/2 T peppermint mocha creamer (70), strawberry 0% chobani yogurt (140), 1/2 c. oat bran cereal (70)
Lunch: chili (350), 1/2 slice asiago cheese bread (70), 1 c. fruit - strawberries/pineapple/mango (70)
Snack: 1 c. veggies - cucumbers/red & green bell peppers (50), black bean hummus (100) Dinner: ancho chile beef fajitas (450), refried beans w/salsa & cheddar cheese (150)
Snack: 1 c. 1% milk (100), dark chocolate (90)

Total: 1,710

Week 3, Day 1

Breakfast: coffee w/2 T peppermint mocha creamer (70), strawberry 0% chobani yogurt (140), 1/2 c. oat bran cereal (70)
Lunch: chili (350), 1/2 slice asiago cheese bread (70), 1 c. fruit - strawberries/pineapple/mango (70)
Snack: 1 c. veggies - cucumbers/red & green bell peppers (50), black bean hummus (100)
Dinner: cornmeal crusted tilapia w/tomatillo salsa (250), baked sweet potato (100), snow peas (30), 1 T. olive oil (120)

Total: 1,420

Exercise: 10 minutes running (1 mile), weights

Week 2 Results

Week 2 Weigh-In:
A short week due to vacation last week, but I'm down 1.6 lbs since Wednesday, to 161.0. I'm really hoping to see the 150's this week!

1. Track all food in blog and estimate calorie counts. Done!
2. Work out in some way at least twice. I'm still recovering from last weekend and the 50 miles we walked over the 4 days we were at Disney (it was fun keeping track with our pedometer!), but I want to ge some additional workouts in this week. Maybe strength training or yoga. Done! 20 minutes running Saturday and 20 minutes yoga Sunday from yogadownload.com
3. Register for Disney half-marathon (or maybe marathon?) for 2010. Not yet. We're still trying to decide which race to register for. We definitely plan to do one, just indecisive.
4. Create meal plan for next week. Done! Created a plan for the week (mainly from this month's Cooking Light) and did all the shopping yesterday. I also made chili for lunches, cut up fruit and veggies for snacks, and made black bean hummus! I feel good knowing my week is all planned out with yummy, healthy meals.

Week 2, Day 5

Breakfast: coffee w/2 T peppermint mocha creamer (70), 1 1/2 c. cornflakes (150), 1 c. 2% milk (130)
Lunch: 6 in. Subway club w/ lettuce, vinegar, pepperjack cheese, honey mustard on whole wheat (500), 1/2 serving cheese-its (80)
Dinner: Moe's burrito in a bowl - rice, black beans, chicken, cheese, salsa (600), chips (200)
Snack: dark chocolate (180)

Week 2, Day 4

Breakfast: coffee w/ 2 T. peppermint mocha creamer (70), omelet - 2 eggs (180), 1/4 c. cheese (110), 1 c. potatoes (100), 2.5 slices bacon (100), 1.5 tsp olive oil (60)
Lunch: mashed potatoes (250), dark chocolate (180)
Dinner: shared w/husband: cheeseburger, french fries, mac&cheese and 2 beers (a lot!)

Dinner was out with friends and obviously I didn't make the best choices. What I did do though was share dinner with my husband, since after a huge breakfast I wasn't too hungry.

Week 2, Day 3

Breakfast: 1 c. Corn Chex (120), 1/2 c. Rice Chex (50), coffee w/2 T. peppermint mocha creamer (70), banana (100)
Lunch: 2 c. Amy's Lentil soup (300), apple (70)
Snack: peanut butter ball (100?), handful of pretzels (50)
Dinner: grilled pork chop (250), 1 c. mashed potatoes (250), 1/2 c. green beans (20)
Snack: popcorn (100), hot chocolate (70)

Total: 1,550

Week 2, Day 2

Breakfast: 1 1/2 c. of Corn Chex (180), coffee w/ 2 Tbsp peppermint mocha creamer (70)
Lunch: 1 c. Pacific corn soup (120), banana (100)
Snack: 3 hershey kisses (75), 1 ferrero rocher (75)
Dinner: sushi - 2 pieces each of 3 different rolls (800?), 2 pieces veggie tempura (200)

Total: 1,620

Week 2, Day 1

Breakfast: 1 1/2 c. of Corn Chex (180), coffee w/ 2 Tbsp peppermint mocha creamer (70)
Lunch: 2 c. of Wolfgang Puck's Organic Spicy Bean soup (320)
Snack: banana (100)
Dinner: grilled pork chop (250), 1 c. mashed potatoes (250), 1/2 c. green beans (20)
Snack: chocolate covered gingerbread (140)

Total: 1,330

Week 2 BLBE Mini-Goals

I only have a few days left until my regular weigh-in next Monday. With that in mind, I need to give it my all the next few days. My goals for the next few days...

1. Track all food in blog and estimate calorie counts.
2. Work out in some way at least twice. I'm still recovering from last weekend and the 50 miles we walked over the 4 days we were at Disney (it was fun keeping track with our pedometer!), but I want to ge some additional workouts in this week. Maybe strength training or yoga.
3. Register for Disney half-marathon (or maybe marathon?) for 2010.
4. Create meal plan for next week.

Week 1 Results

Week 1 Weigh In:
A few days late due to a lack of scale on vacation, but this morning I weighed in at 162.6. Down 0.4. Not outstanding, but considering I spent 5+ days at Disney/travelling, I'm pleased with the results. I'm definitely motivated to get back to normal though and I'm excited for this next week!

Week 1 Mini- Goals:
1. Track diet Monday-Thursday and post on blog. Done!
2. Participate in and finish(!) the Disney half marathon! Done!
3. Enjoy myself at Disney but avoid feeling uncomfortably full at any point. Done! Well mostly. Even with all the buffets, I don't really remember feeling like I went way overboard.
4. Drink at least 64 ounces of water every day. Done! I think. it was actually kind of hard to tell at Disney, I'm used to having a water bottle that I constantly refill throughout the day. I mostly drank water at meals to help with this goal.

The Results Are In

I just couldn't wait until we got back to post this.

We accomplished our goal of finishing the 2009 half marathon in the time alloted (3:30). We actually finished in 3:18. I'll share my story later, but I had to go ahead and get this up! It was amazing and gratifying and humbling.













My husband and I at mile 5.5 in the Magic Kingdom.

Out of Commision

This blog that is. Until I return next Tuesday night with a recap of the half marathon and the resulting celebration at Disney! I'll also have to face the music when I get back, with my first weigh-in, so I'm going to mindful of that over the weekend.

Best of luck to all the BLBE participants, I'll be checking in next week!

Week 1, Day 4

Breakfast: coffee with 3 T. peppermint mocha, banana
Lunch: 3 squares flatbread w/cheese/artichoke hearts/peppers/pizza sauce
Snack: 100 calorie popcorn

That's it - this afternoon we leave for Disney!
Meals will resume when I'm back next Tuesday!

Week 1, Day 3

Breakfast: Coffee w/2.5 T peppermint mocha creamer, apple oatmeal
Lunch: 3 small pieces of flatbread pizza, pineapple yoplait light yogurt
Dinner: cheeseburger, sweet potato fries from Canyons

Another dinner out. My parents are taking care of our puppy while we're out of town. Because my husband and I have been crazy busy this week, they drove the hour drive to our house to pick her up. In exchange, we took them out to dinner. Again, I ate lighter earlier in the day in preparation.

Week 1, Day 2

Breakfast: Coffee w/2.5 T peppermint mocha creamer, apple oatmeal
Lunch: Amy's frozen cheddar cheese burrito, pear
Dinner: Sushi!
Snack: small birthday cake ice cream from brusters

Tonight we took our oldest nephew out for sushi and ice cream. He's moving to North Carolina over the weekend while we're gone, so we wanted to spend some time with him while he's gone. I knew I was going to have this meal out, so I tried to make the rest of the day lighter. I did pretty well. I stopped eatting when I was full, but I could have skipped the ice cream.

Week 1, Day 1

Breakfast: Coffee w/2.5 T peppermint mocha creamer, 1 1/2 c. corn chex

Lunch: Amy's frozen cheddar cheese burrito, 1 c. pineapple

Snack: Pop Secret 100 calorie kettle corn

Dinner: omelet - 2 eggs, 1/2 c. hashbrowns, 1/4 c. cheddar cheese, 1/4 c. diced ham in 1 tsp olive oil and 1 slice whole wheat toast

Snack: brownie, w/whipped cream, hot chocolate

Week 1 BLBE Mini-Goals

This is an unusual week in that I will be going out of town (to Disney!) at the end of the week and I'll be participating in a half marathon. While I plan to eat mindfully while I'm at Disney, I will not be keeping track of specifics while I'm there. This is a reward for 6 months of half marathon training and between the half marathon itself and then navigating the parks over the next 2 days, I should get in pleny of exercise!

So, my goals are:
1. Track diet Monday-Thursday and post on blog.
2. Participate in and finish(!) the Disney half marathon! I'm still nursing a 2 month old injury, but I feel confident I will be able to finish.
3. Enjoy myself at Disney but avoid feeling uncomfortably full at any point.
4. Drink at least 64 ounces of water every day - this should be easy on Saturday!

The Plan

Plan is used loosely here. My goal is to eat healthy foods, in the right portions, and to move more.

In addition, I've been successful with setting weekly 'mini-goals' in the past, that are more specific and then evaluating each week on how I did meeting them. I like this approach because it lets me plan ahead, but adjust if I know I have certain things going on (like the half marathon coming up this weekend!) or if I need to focus in certain areas (like getting in water). I also like looking at it in smaller blocks of time, because really, there's nothing I can't do for 7 days at a time. So, at the start of each week, you'll see 3-6 healthy mini-goals that I will work to accomplish over the next 7 days and then I'll report on the results the following week along with my weigh-in.