a rough week

Last week was really rough for me. I don't mean diet-wise, I was actually down 3.2 pounds to 157.8. I'm very excited to be back in the 150s!

I've been dealing with something else, much more personal and harder to write about. I've actually only really discussed this with a few people over the last few years - my husband, my mom and my doctor. I struggle with anxiety.

Almost 4 years ago I had my first panic attack. I remember it really well, I was at work and suddenly, out of the blue, I started to feel weird. My heart started racing, I was finding it hard to breathe, my arms were tingly and I felt nauseous. I remember thinking that I really thought I was dying. That I seriously felt like I could die. I had never felt like that before. I ended up leaving work and heading home and by the time I got home I felt much better, really kind of silly that I had had those thoughts.

A few weeks after that my grandmother died unexpectedly. It was really odd timing, but after that I had a few more panic attacks and finally realized what they were. I thought it was weird, but once I knew what it was, I wasn't so worried. I'm a very logical/analytical person and since I knew what was happening to me, I felt like I could handle it. I did pretty well for almost a year. I would still have those attacks, fairly regularly, but I dealt with it. I couldn't really determine what was causing them or if I had any 'triggers', but they only lasted a few minutes and then I would feel fine.

Eventually though, it caught up with me. I was out of town in New York for work and I had an attack that I just couldn't shake. It lasted for days and was just horrible. I almost went to the hospital because I thought I was truly sick. When I got home I knew that I had to do something. I went to see my doctor, who is also a friend of the family. I told him about my 'self-diagnosis' and after doing a few different tests to make sure I wasn't really suffering from something else, he prescribed the anti-depressant (and anti-anxiety) medication Lexapro. It helped really quickly, I literally stopped having attacks and just felt better in general. Over the next 2 and a half years, I took Lexapro and while I had a few panic attacks during that time, they were really infrequent.

I knew however that I didn't want to be on medication for the long term. It was easy to just keep taking it, because it was helping, but I wanted to be able to handle it on my own, as well as get rid of some of the side effects that I was feeling (mostly being really tired all the time). And most importantly, I wanted to be off the medication by the time I became pregnant (although from what I read there is no evidence that Lexapro is dangerous during pregnancy, and both my doctor and ob/gyn were okay with taking it - they actually say it could be worse for a baby to have anxiety during pregnancy). I did some research and gradually stopped taking the Lexapro (I did a step down approach, where I reduced how much I was taking until finally I stopped taking any).

I did well last fall. I had maybe 2 attacks, but overall felt good. I was eating well, exercising often and just felt really healthy in general. A few weeks ago, I seemed to start having a relapse. It's different than before. I haven't really had 'attacks', more like a generalized feeling of anxiety that just won't go away for more than a few hours. And it's not just that I feel nervous, it's really a feeling like something is really wrong, like I'm going to die, although I have no real physical symptoms (I do think I might have a sinus infection, I've had a headache and my sinuses feel stopped up, but that's the only thing spurring this feeling of doom). I have had a stressful few weeks at work, since I've been back from the half-marathon, but nothing really crazy. Nothing to explain this.

So, this last week has been really tough. I'm just trying to get by right now. I've made an appointment to see my doctor Wednesday and my plan is to ask him for a recommendation for a therapist. Medication is a last resort for me right now (although it's an option). My husband (who has been absolutely amazing about this) and I have done some research and it seems like the most promising ways to treat this are medication and/or therapy (particularly cognitive behavioral therapy). I have to do something, right now I'm just making it through the days. I'm a healthy woman with a wonderful life and I just want to enjoy it.

I didn't really plan on sharing this part of my life through this blog, but I feel like I need to get it out. I'm ready to take the next steps.